There have been times in my life when I've been incredibly excited about one thing or another. When I was in high school, I desperately wanted to be a comic book artist. I was very devoted to this path, and all my extra energy was channeled in this direction. At some point, my interest faded, and I turned to music. I became consumed with all things musical; eventually, I even owned and operated a musical instrument store. In time, and after the bitter realities of failure, I lost interest in this path as well.
So tonight I ponder: do I lose interest just because I'm bored? Or is it when the going gets tough, I get lost? In both of the scenarios I mentioned above, I reached a point where the next step was inevitably success or failure. After the music store, I worked for a major retailer, and absorbed myself in that until I became manager of one of their stores; the pay was good, the hours were terrible, but within the store I was fairly autonomous, it was near my home, and I could have easily worked there for the next 30 years and made a decent living. I'm not there anymore either... retail quickly lost my interest as well. So with a small taste of success, I still opted for a change.
Is it because I'm bored?
I'm always maintained a fair level of interest in creative ventures, but once I began working full time I lacked the free time to pursue them, or I chose to spend what free time I had doing other things. As a result, I haven't really written or drawn anything in years, (one of the reasons I started this blog) and I still struggle with my own harsh criticism in these areas. I don't play music anymore for this reason: over 18 years of playing I couldn't attain what I felt was a level of proficiency I should have. How I envy the person who can just draw, write or play and enjoy it without critiquing every detail of their work to the point of paralysis.
So am I my own worst enemy? I am already reading this blog entry and thinking about how it should be more focused, etc., and considering re-writing it, or not even publishing it. I made myself a promise that I would just do it, and push through it, and damn the torpedoes, take it warts and all.
I just wish I could get to some answers... :)